Earnestly

Elaine

Sorry for the negative posts as of late. I'm really ok. I've been putting off writing over the last few years simply because they have roller coaster. The highest, most domestic highs and the lowest most pathetic lows. Mean whileI've been working full time so that concoction doesn't equate to a very creative thought provoking mind.

I don't want this blog to be a culmination of my emotional rants. it kind of has been, so for all 4 of you who read this, I'm sorry.

I'm ok, I promise.

Just miserable.
Elaine, you get me.

Jelly Fish

Here is the tip of the iceberg.

A few recent thoughts:

It all happened.
the house,
the life,
the commitment,
the future plans,
it was all happening,
...Until it didn't.


and it ended.
and he left.

the dessert took him back, home. Where he belongs.
My body stayed.
But my heart went with him.
The pain stuck around.

It still stings...

Last week I took my daughter to the beach. We quickly discovered that there were too many jellyfish in the shallows to swim so we settled for sea shell collecting on the warm sand. I saw a woman grab a large piece of drift wood and made a spear. She took the spear and impaled the water mellon sized animal floating peacefully in the water. She picked it up, dead, and buried it in the sand. I asked her why she would do such a thing and she responded with a puzzled expression. My emotions got the best of me, and I angrily gestured at the ocean, showing her all the other jellys that dotted through the calm water.
"So are you going to kill them all? Just so YOU can swim!?" I demanded.
She said she just wanted to swim, and didn't want to get hurt.
"Well that's life!"I grumbled then walked away.

I thought about that a lot in the days that followed.
Who was in the wrong?
Me for sitting on the sidelines, letting life's pain keep me from really living?
Or the woman destroying anything and anyone that came in the way of her happiness.
The truth is I don't really know, still.

I'm realizing that after 25 years.
We're all like jelly fish, life pulls us around back and forth. We inadvertently sting the innocent bystanders who cross our paths. The ones who aren't afraid to try.

I tried. and I got stung.
and it hurt.

Why are the most painful things in life also the most beautiful? 

Michele Williams is a God Damn Bitch

I'm not ready to talk about where I've been for the last 2 years. Lets start with something light hearted and inappropriate.

I just watched this movie.
I just got stoned.
I just wrote myself an I Phone message to remember this scene.
Since this is my blog, ya know. Might as well.

Here is that Video, Sober self...I'll let 'you' analyze it later.

The other note I wrote myself was to start writing again, so...

Breaking

Things feel like they're falling apart. I feel like a ripped pair of jeans that have been sewn back together so many times that all that remains is a hem. There is nothing left to pull it all back together.

I hate this feeling.
I'm trying to make sense of it all.
Trying to believe that there's a reason.
But my answers don't console
and my solutions don't equate.

I'm seeking comfort in the superficialities of life and fighting off my real issues.
I'm sick of fighting.

I want to be a child again.
I want to be in my bed on a Saturday morning.
Giddy with the prospect of life's possibilities.
Ignorant to life's cruelty and vulgar sense of humor.

I want it all to work.
It isn't.

HOME

:)

My 100th blog

This very special blog is dedicated to one of the most influential people of my lifetime.

This evening, Steve Jobs lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. 

He changed the world and made technology fun.

He reminded us all to never stop learning.

"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life"

       ~Steve Jobs in 2005