Neutral

Lonely wolf

And you'll always love me won't you?

Yes. 

And the rain won't make any difference? 

No.

A typical

I'm sick of trying to be normal. It's exhausting. I've never felt like I fit in with the molds society has placed on me based on my age, socioeconomic class, gender, race etc. I don't care anymore. 

If I'm going to be miserable regardless I might as well be myself, right? 

Man, 26 has been a weird one this far.

 

No, but seriously

B&W

this has been my life over the last 3 months, in black and white photos. 

FIN. 

Down.

I’m lost in the world

been down my whole life

I’m new in the city...

and I’m down for the night. 

and I'm down for the night. 

Said she’s down for the night

Stress fracture

Splinters chip off my broken bones, marrow oozes. Blood swells in my pours.  I feel nothing? Shock fades, I'm still conscious. Still breathing.. My glossy eyes flutter, trying to focus.  I  inhale, not air.  The pain,  That all too familiar pain.  My hollow chest cavity fills  with the fog of memory and realization. My pulse quickens. There's a voice "fuck it, at least you can still feel something" I sink, recoiling my body into the tiniest ball. Temples in between shaky  knees, arms crossed over  bruised and bloody shins,  fingers cradling tired ankles. For  3 days  I sat in that position. Remembering you, and absorbing  every minute of this cruel joke that life played on us.


I'm going back to bed now.

Fiction

"He-hey baby?" She murmured,
looking up at his chin,
as she touched his sandy blond hair
they had stopped walking.
"Yes? He smiled down at her.
"Is this it, for us? Are you him?"
"Him?" He was now starring more intensely
into her nervous eyes
"The-the one." She whispered.
His lip quivered and he smiled.
"Baby, you are 'the beginning, the ending,
my everything,
you are  the reason...
and the meaning
to it all"
She breathed...
letting out a labored sigh.
Her eyes darted across his face searching for uncertainty.
His gaze reflected the words that he had just bathed her with
She looked down shyly, as she bit her bottom lip
 Her hands made tiny fists in her jacket pockets.
"Be cool" she thought. "Be cool"
....Fuck it.
She threw her arms around the curve of his neck.
Pressing her cheek against his chest.
She closed her eyes tight.
They both knew.
 
They had found each other.

Uh huh honey

I'm happy and healthy and doing my best. This is my message to everyone that has a problem with that.

Adele, remember...

Be calm
Be brave
Be free
Be me
Be strong
Be smart

Don't freak out
Don't be scared
Don't listen to the thoughts
Don't overthink
Don't be dumb

Let it happen

Ain't that right Lauryn?

26

 "I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another til I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. "

~Kerouac

I'm 26 now.  Just as crazy as ever. Although, something in me has changed over the last few months. I'm letting go, learning again, and allowing myself to savor the delicious chaos associated with being a single female in her mid twenties. I'm started to accept my insanity and remove my restraints.


Change? Fuck it.
...baby steps. 

Make out.

Make art.
Make love.
Make coffee.
Make do.

Dimensions

“I want this one moment. It’s what I want in a relationship, which might explain why I’m single now. It’s kind of hard to- It’s that thing when you’re with someone and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it- But it’s a party! And you’re both talking to other people, and you’re laughing and shining, and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes. But not because you’re possessive or it’s precisely sexual, but because that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad but only because this life will end. And it’s this secret world that exists right there, in public, unnoticed that no one knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us but we don’t have the ability to perceive them? That’s what I want out of a relationship or just life, I guess.” — Frances Ha

The only faith we have is faith in us

We know that we're helpless
At least we always assume
But we don't need to prove nothing to you

No Accident

I will be your accident if you will be my ambulanceAnd I will be your screech and crash if you will be my crutch and cast

Earnestly

Elaine

Sorry for the negative posts as of late. I'm really ok. I've been putting off writing over the last few years simply because they have roller coaster. The highest, most domestic highs and the lowest most pathetic lows. Mean whileI've been working full time so that concoction doesn't equate to a very creative thought provoking mind.

I don't want this blog to be a culmination of my emotional rants. it kind of has been, so for all 4 of you who read this, I'm sorry.

I'm ok, I promise.

Just miserable.
Elaine, you get me.

Jelly Fish

Here is the tip of the iceberg.

A few recent thoughts:

It all happened.
the house,
the life,
the commitment,
the future plans,
it was all happening,
...Until it didn't.


and it ended.
and he left.

the dessert took him back, home. Where he belongs.
My body stayed.
But my heart went with him.
The pain stuck around.

It still stings...

Last week I took my daughter to the beach. We quickly discovered that there were too many jellyfish in the shallows to swim so we settled for sea shell collecting on the warm sand. I saw a woman grab a large piece of drift wood and made a spear. She took the spear and impaled the water mellon sized animal floating peacefully in the water. She picked it up, dead, and buried it in the sand. I asked her why she would do such a thing and she responded with a puzzled expression. My emotions got the best of me, and I angrily gestured at the ocean, showing her all the other jellys that dotted through the calm water.
"So are you going to kill them all? Just so YOU can swim!?" I demanded.
She said she just wanted to swim, and didn't want to get hurt.
"Well that's life!"I grumbled then walked away.

I thought about that a lot in the days that followed.
Who was in the wrong?
Me for sitting on the sidelines, letting life's pain keep me from really living?
Or the woman destroying anything and anyone that came in the way of her happiness.
The truth is I don't really know, still.

I'm realizing that after 25 years.
We're all like jelly fish, life pulls us around back and forth. We inadvertently sting the innocent bystanders who cross our paths. The ones who aren't afraid to try.

I tried. and I got stung.
and it hurt.

Why are the most painful things in life also the most beautiful? 

Michele Williams is a God Damn Bitch

I'm not ready to talk about where I've been for the last 2 years. Lets start with something light hearted and inappropriate.

I just watched this movie.
I just got stoned.
I just wrote myself an I Phone message to remember this scene.
Since this is my blog, ya know. Might as well.

Here is that Video, Sober self...I'll let 'you' analyze it later.

The other note I wrote myself was to start writing again, so...

Breaking

Things feel like they're falling apart. I feel like a ripped pair of jeans that have been sewn back together so many times that all that remains is a hem. There is nothing left to pull it all back together.

I hate this feeling.
I'm trying to make sense of it all.
Trying to believe that there's a reason.
But my answers don't console
and my solutions don't equate.

I'm seeking comfort in the superficialities of life and fighting off my real issues.
I'm sick of fighting.

I want to be a child again.
I want to be in my bed on a Saturday morning.
Giddy with the prospect of life's possibilities.
Ignorant to life's cruelty and vulgar sense of humor.

I want it all to work.
It isn't.