26

 "I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another til I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. "

~Kerouac

I'm 26 now.  Just as crazy as ever. Although, something in me has changed over the last few months. I'm letting go, learning again, and allowing myself to savor the delicious chaos associated with being a single female in her mid twenties. I'm started to accept my insanity and remove my restraints.


Change? Fuck it.
...baby steps. 

Make out.

Make art.
Make love.
Make coffee.
Make do.

Dimensions

“I want this one moment. It’s what I want in a relationship, which might explain why I’m single now. It’s kind of hard to- It’s that thing when you’re with someone and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it- But it’s a party! And you’re both talking to other people, and you’re laughing and shining, and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes. But not because you’re possessive or it’s precisely sexual, but because that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad but only because this life will end. And it’s this secret world that exists right there, in public, unnoticed that no one knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us but we don’t have the ability to perceive them? That’s what I want out of a relationship or just life, I guess.” — Frances Ha

The only faith we have is faith in us

We know that we're helpless
At least we always assume
But we don't need to prove nothing to you

No Accident

I will be your accident if you will be my ambulanceAnd I will be your screech and crash if you will be my crutch and cast

Earnestly

Elaine

Sorry for the negative posts as of late. I'm really ok. I've been putting off writing over the last few years simply because they have roller coaster. The highest, most domestic highs and the lowest most pathetic lows. Mean whileI've been working full time so that concoction doesn't equate to a very creative thought provoking mind.

I don't want this blog to be a culmination of my emotional rants. it kind of has been, so for all 4 of you who read this, I'm sorry.

I'm ok, I promise.

Just miserable.
Elaine, you get me.

Jelly Fish

Here is the tip of the iceberg.

A few recent thoughts:

It all happened.
the house,
the life,
the commitment,
the future plans,
it was all happening,
...Until it didn't.


and it ended.
and he left.

the dessert took him back, home. Where he belongs.
My body stayed.
But my heart went with him.
The pain stuck around.

It still stings...

Last week I took my daughter to the beach. We quickly discovered that there were too many jellyfish in the shallows to swim so we settled for sea shell collecting on the warm sand. I saw a woman grab a large piece of drift wood and made a spear. She took the spear and impaled the water mellon sized animal floating peacefully in the water. She picked it up, dead, and buried it in the sand. I asked her why she would do such a thing and she responded with a puzzled expression. My emotions got the best of me, and I angrily gestured at the ocean, showing her all the other jellys that dotted through the calm water.
"So are you going to kill them all? Just so YOU can swim!?" I demanded.
She said she just wanted to swim, and didn't want to get hurt.
"Well that's life!"I grumbled then walked away.

I thought about that a lot in the days that followed.
Who was in the wrong?
Me for sitting on the sidelines, letting life's pain keep me from really living?
Or the woman destroying anything and anyone that came in the way of her happiness.
The truth is I don't really know, still.

I'm realizing that after 25 years.
We're all like jelly fish, life pulls us around back and forth. We inadvertently sting the innocent bystanders who cross our paths. The ones who aren't afraid to try.

I tried. and I got stung.
and it hurt.

Why are the most painful things in life also the most beautiful? 

Michele Williams is a God Damn Bitch

I'm not ready to talk about where I've been for the last 2 years. Lets start with something light hearted and inappropriate.

I just watched this movie.
I just got stoned.
I just wrote myself an I Phone message to remember this scene.
Since this is my blog, ya know. Might as well.

Here is that Video, Sober self...I'll let 'you' analyze it later.

The other note I wrote myself was to start writing again, so...