Breaking

Things feel like they're falling apart. I feel like a ripped pair of jeans that have been sewn back together so many times that all that remains is a hem. There is nothing left to pull it all back together.

I hate this feeling.
I'm trying to make sense of it all.
Trying to believe that there's a reason.
But my answers don't console
and my solutions don't equate.

I'm seeking comfort in the superficialities of life and fighting off my real issues.
I'm sick of fighting.

I want to be a child again.
I want to be in my bed on a Saturday morning.
Giddy with the prospect of life's possibilities.
Ignorant to life's cruelty and vulgar sense of humor.

I want it all to work.
It isn't.

HOME

:)

My 100th blog

This very special blog is dedicated to one of the most influential people of my lifetime.

This evening, Steve Jobs lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. 

He changed the world and made technology fun.

He reminded us all to never stop learning.

"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life"

       ~Steve Jobs in 2005

Genie Maples Art

"How He Dreams"

"And Then She Laughed"

"Stitch Up The Blues"

"A Story Half Told"

These Days

Thank You

Today I let you go
After months of arguing, making up, bickering, and lusting I closed the book on one of the great loves of my life so far.

Today my eyes overflowed with the frustration of failure

Today the adhesive that bonded you to my heart finally gave way...

You saw me for who I was.
You saw that beneath my outgoing and strong exterior there was a scared, fragile little girl, deprived of confidence and in desperate need of love.

You made me feel beautiful, and comfortable in my own skin.

You taught me that it was all right to be different and march to the beat of my own drum.

You showed me that after years of feeling inadequate and "less than" that I was indeed a strong person, deserving of something more.


I'll never forget your sad eyes, gentle hands, and ridiculous saunter.
...Your quiet confidence encapsulated within a shy, reclusive shell.

Every day with you was a gift
and every fight was a lesson
and for that, I have you say

Thank you.

Killing My Rock 'n' Roll

In the constant persuit

Every day, I wake up hoping that today will be the day that I find the point of it all.
Inspiration, Drive, Meaning, Tenacity...check.
One of these days it's all going to pay off
and if not, I'll die trying.

Hope Gangloff Art

"Freelancer" 2011



"Warming Ms. Adams" 2011




"Lands End" 2011



WISDOM

if i thought i knew the reason
why i've gone and fallen
in love with you
you're the one thing i believe in
and i know quite well
what i've got to do
first you say it's ok
then you say there's no way
then i'm making love to you!
you're the one thing i believe in
and know it's time cause i've
got to tell you

Daily Inspiration

 

"Where there is age there is evolution, where there is life there is growth."
~Angelica Houston 

Cigarettes and Coffee

 

Otis knows...

En Lava

Today's thoughts:
Love hurts
Sometimes you must ask yourself:
How much am I willing to take?
How far am I willing to go?
Just how much bullshit am I willing to tolerate?
At one point am I going to scream "Uncle"

Some days I want to quit
but today, I didn't.

Bad Mother Fucker

Tonight I planned on treating myself to a night of dancing and debauchery. Somehow I ended up at home eating nearly an entire container of creme brulee gelato while watching the Jersey Shore.

It's funny how life just has a way of not giving you something that you want, while simultaneously giving you something that you need.

I woke up today feeling like myself for the first time in ages. As I was walking to get coffee this morning before work, I finally found that bounce in  my step, that has been my cane for last several months. It revisited me like an old friend, lending it's support, and guidance. The best part of this realization was knowing that it was me providing it. When I get in my depressive funks, I need to take inventory of my own independence and remember how much I've accomplished in such a short amount of time. I need to remember that most people my age couldn't take "it" and that I live this life everyday...and kick ass doing it.

No one is going to hold my hand anymore.
If I want something in this life, I've got to earn it, work hard for it, and buckle down to achieve it.

"The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent, but if we can come to terms with this indifference, then our existence as a species can have genuine meaning. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light."
      ~ Stanley Kubrick


Lastly...

Can someone please buy me this?
I think, I've earned it.

Long Term Memor-iam

I wish I could just forget everything.
I wish I could erase this feeling,
like deleting a phone number or texts.

As much as it breaks my heart to say this, I wish it never happend.
I knew it couldn't work, but sometimes when you want something bad enough you're willing to put yourself through hell to get it. I put my self through hell and it didn't pay off this time, I guess.
I wish I could forget the smell of saw dust and cigarettes, and those sad brown eyes.

There isn't enough whiskey in the world to make this feeling or these memories go away.
(Believe me, I've tried)

I've given myself 1 week to cry and put myself back together,

then it's back to business as usual.

Adele Stratton

..Never has enough time.

Sadness Is My Boyfriend

Sadness, I'm your girl

Post Hangover Solace

I got very drunk a few nights ago.
So drunk that I kind of scared myself.
I can't/won't/and shouldn't advocate the use to alcohol as a remedy for a stress fractured heart but god dammit...I sure want to.
I want to say "Damn, I needed that"
But that would be wrong
So I wont

I did however need a night where I could just literally let my hair down, enjoy the people I adore so dearly and burn off some frustration on the dance floor. I needed to laugh and scream and sing and sway and do all the things someone my age should be allowed to do.

...I think I got that itch out of my system for a while, thankfully.

My life if beautiful, but devastatingly difficult. The people I love more than life itself let me down more than I care to admit. I feel like I'm at the point now where I see no purpose in seeking new relationships with people. If that's jaded, than so be it. I'm sick of feeling like the lyrics to an Otis Redding song.

I care so very much about the people who I let into my weird little world but I think I'm ready to become a hermit.I think I'm ready to just be the girl who works every day, is a good mother/father to her daughter, and a honors student. That's all that matters right now.

A social life is a wonderful thing, but society just isn't cuttin' it for me at the moment.

Someone who shouldn't matter

This isn't even worth discussing, and yet it's been tearing me up inside all day.

I did this to myself
I knew all along it was wrong
I wanted it to be the fairytale
In my mind it would be perfect someday
even if we were just friends

I knew it was wrong
I knew he was wrong

But, God dammit..

FUCK!

Faith VS. Psychosis

I've been working a lot.
A lot
A lot.
I've been so tired I can hardly see straight by the end of the night.
14 hour days will do that to ya, I guess.

Maybe it's the exhaustion.
Desperation perhaps.
Despite my dyer sleep deprivation, I've noticed a driving force inside myself that has been keeping me going at times when I just want to quit. I've been feeling the presence of empowerment that I can't verbalize other than "Just doing it". Dragging my ass out of bed when I've had 4 hours of sleep and putting on my happy face. I'm proud of myself. I haven't been in a long time.

Am I still supposed to consider myself an atheist if I believe in myself?
I don't know
Either way

I'm on fire.

Bitter

Fuck you.
Yes you.
If my honesty hurt you it was only because I cared THAT MUCH.
If my words stung, it was because they were supposed to.
I hope you find someone who can accept you for who you are.
I hope you can find someone who doesn't try to push you to achieve your full potential.
I hope you find someone who is as pessimistic as you are.

cuz it ain't me babe...
It ain't me your lookin' for.

Time. Time is not on my side

And so, I say..

They say that timing is everything.

If that is the case, I have nothing

PRICK

MERCUTIO :You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings, And soar with them above a common bound. ROMEO :I am too sore enpierced with his shaft To soar with his light feathers, and so bound, I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe: Under love's heavy burden do I sink. MERCUTIO :And, to sink in it, should you burden love; Too great oppression for a tender thing. ROMEO :Is love a tender thing? it is too rough, Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn. MERCUTIO :If love be rough with you, be rough with love; Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.

A-Fine A-Fair

Photos from today's visit to the San Diego County Fair.


The Bella Mia






















Stupid (Brave) Idiots






















Tea Cups






















Hellova Machine






















Colorful/Enthusiastic foot massager






















The Tippy Top



Confessions of a workaholic

So I have had 1 day off over the past 15 days.
 I figure I've been working an average of 65-70 hours per week...
 I haven't been running,
 I haven't been dating,
 I haven't been frequenting the streets of Newport ave. at 2:00AM
and I haven't had a single moment for myself, really.

Does it sound like I'm complaining? Because, believe me, I'm not! I actually love working. I love pushing myself and testing my stamina. I love being proud of myself after a long day and taking pride in the money I earn. It's when I'm not working that I get concerned...

Not working=Bordom
Bordom=Tequila
Tequila=Trouble

Simple as that.

This week though, I've penciled in some much needed "me" time. After tomorrow, I have 3 days off in a row (including my first Friday off in over a year) and I'm going to spend it with my daughter...preferably at a beach.

I'm going to make time for my friends and go running every morning.

My running shoes are calling my name.
And this week, I'm answering.

HOME

I filmed this yesterday while carousing the Ocean Beach farmer's market.

My home town can be a magical place., at times.

Le Muse

“I don’t care what people think…I learned a long time ago…I was 19 and had a very traumatic experience….and I learned that I have to go to bed with myself at night and that I have to please myself…and as long as I don’t go out of my way to offend anybody that I love, upset my mother or my husband…I’ll do my own thing. And if the public doesn’t like it, it’s their problem, not mine.”

~Iris Apfel

One of these days

One of these days
I'll be organized,
and composed,
and confidant,
and secure,
and simple,
and quiet,
and peaceful,
and rested,
and relaxed, 
and free.

One of these days,
I'll be happy.

Today...was not that day.

My May [in Polaroids]

Zen Mia



Kickin' it with some rock 'n' rollers at Disneyland

 

"Coldies"



 Tis indeed a small world after all























Making friends with dogs in Ocean Beach




 

I need more days like these



My friends have many talents

  

Making friends with dogs in Ocean Beach (Part II)





There's no place like home



If I broke your heart last night..

It's because I love you

Most of all.

Somethin' About Summer

Summer vacation is once again upon us. The sun is shinning like it hasn't shinned in longer then I remember. Ocean Beach is in it's prime....and I've been soaking up every drop of the summer time spirit that wafts through the air. After working literally everyday last week, I've spent the last few days recharging, reconnecting, and rejuvenating my soul.

Alas, my heart and brain have again challenged each other to a duel.
My heart is feeling nostalgic and wants the "good ol' days" back and my brain is sending out red flags and pleading for rational decision making and judgement.

They say that scent is the strongest sense tied to memory, well the smell of cigarettes and sawdust have infiltrated my frontal cortex and hijacked my judgement.

Here we go again...

Taking a que from the master

I woke up today exhausted but feeling strangely inspired.

Perhaps it is because the spring semester is officially over today and a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders allowing me to actually have creative thought for the first time in several months. It may be time to break out the old Golden acrylics and push some paint around. I've spent a lot of time exercising my body and my smart ass mouth lately so it seems fair to allow my right lobe to feel the burn. Wish me luck!

"Painting is the most magical of mediums. The transcendence is truly amazing to me every time I go to a museum and I see how somebody figured another way to rub colored dirt on a flat surface and make space where there is no space or make you think of a life experience."
   ~Chuck Close

So Tired

I'm in the midst of a 65 hour work week.
Did I mention that it is also finals week?
Coincidence? Maybe
Exhausting? Definitely

I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink.
...No, no, no

Doctor's Orders

"Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.”

~Dr. Seuss

Lonely in Love

Isn't love just the worst?
It's the thing that drives us to greatness, often leads us to insanity, has the potential to kill us, or even kill others. I don't trust anything that has the capacity to evoke such strong emotions or physical responses. I say this, of course, because I am still profoundly bitter after recent heartbreaks and misgivings that occurred when I actually let my guard down and allowed myself to feel such emotions. Jaded? Yes. I don't really know what my problem is. Maybe I just fall in love with the idea of love rather then the person. Then once I wake up and realize what I'm doing, I flip out and split. Either way, I need to get used to the idea of not dating for a while. I have way too many things going on in my life to focus on the needs of another person (aside from my daughter).
Although I must admit, I'm a sucker for a shoulder to rest my head on after a long hard day. And I much prefer a warm clavicle to sleep on instead of a pillow. Loneliness is just the part of being single that I can't get used to. Just having my self to depend on when things get hard, and being completely self reliant.

Mark my words, this shall be the summer of UNlove.
Or so help me...

My Beautiful People

I'm realizing that everyone is seemingly the same.
There really aren't that many interesting people left in the world.

We're bred to follow trends, dress a certain way, and follow a certain set of social guidelines. Individuality seems to be a thing of the past. When will we learn that creativity is a gift, and should be cultivated like a precious cash crop?

Do you ever feel like you're walking down a busy city street and everyone is walking the opposite direction?

I'm sounding snobby and pretentious-I know.
I've just become an advocate for those who refuse to adhere to the rules of society.
Those who scoff at social norms.
To me, they're the special/beautiful people.
They're the ones who keep things interesting.
They're the ones who you laugh at when you walk down the street.
They're the kids in high school who wear knee highs, black tutu's, white lipstick and umbrellas in the middle of spring.
They're the people who dance wildly on the seawall in ocean beach.
They're the ones who are changing our planet.

They're the ones who don't care and choose to be themselves.
We can all take a lesson from our bizarre brethren.
I know I am.

I love you guys.
You all inspire me.

It was a good day

Yesterday the sun was out. Little Italy was alive with the energy of Spring. Ocean Beach seemed more peaceful and carefree then usual. Where ever I was, people were happy. Their Joy was contagious. While absorbing the overwhelming positivity that consumed the air, I felt like a new chapter in my life was just beginning. It might only be the introductory paragraph, but the thesis looks good.

Yeah. It was a good day...

Painfully Peaceful Political Blog

Soooo Osama Bin Ladan died today.

Judging by my countries response you would have thought that it was a national holiday. I guess to some people, it is. I can sympathize with the families who lost loved ones on Sept. 11th 2001. To them, I'm sure a certain amount of justice has been served, and hopefully a decent level of closure has been felt. However, I am utterly sickened by the thousands of people gathering across our country belligerently cheering and glorifying this man's death. Needn't remind them that they are behaving the same way this man's supporters acted after 9/11. I choose to not celebrate violence of any sort...
I don't kill bugs
I don't poison rats
I don't eat meat
I don't support the death penalty
I don't believe in war
and I certainly don't agree with people cheering over the murder of a murderer.

I don't believe in most things, trust me, but my belief in nonviolence is one of the most persistent driving forces in my life. I'm saddened that we are unable to unite as a society to be rise above what happened today.

Rather then end this blog on a sad note, I'll leave you all (the 3 of you who actually read this) with some food for thought, from the man himself. I think he verbalized what I'm trying to say here in a much more intuitive way..

“We are constantly being astonished at the amazing discoveries in the field of violence. But I maintain that far more undreamt of and seemingly impossible discoveries will be made in the field of nonviolence.”

~Gandhi

My Favorite Things

When my shins splint
When the sun burns
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
..and then I dont feel so bad.

This week had been difficult.
very difficult.
This week almost broke me.

It's Saturday night, and I'm sitting at home eating a bowl full of raw almonds while watching SNL...Stone cold sober, and feeling rather peaceful. I guess I am stronger than I thought. After Tuesday's epic meltdown I spent the rest of the week sobering up and re-evaluating my judgements and priorities. In fact I even gave myself the gift of shin splints...

Sometimes when you fight the pavement, the pavement fights back.

It feels good being positive and attempting to heal my wounded soul.
We shall see how long this lasts.
In the mean time I think it's time to rest...My Chemistry

Greetings From The Bottom

Normally the subject matter I write on this thing is incredibly vague and sugar coated with flowery metaphors to mask my real points, opinions, thoughts, etc.
I need to be honest for a second. I'm in a very bad place right now.
My life is crumbling in front of my eyes and I'm ready to just throw my hands up in the air and scream "UNCLE"...

If I sleep for 12 hours, I still feel lethargic.
If I cry all afternoon, I still feel hopeless.
If I drink all night, my heart still hurts.
And if I run 12 miles, I still feel stuck.


Ok, that's it, I swear. Resuming metaphors and silly scenarios in

5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

Sometimes we all need a little Yul Brenner in our lives

I need pride!

I need power!

Sprung Off Spring

Photos from my everyday life...

A very nice fortune after a very bad day

Coffee with dolphins

My happy children

My bestfriend on the morning news

Looking ahead

Silhouettes by the sea

No pictures...please

A glass of Casa with my beloved Belia after work

my dear Armando sipping on...an"Armando"

Smiley Kahle. Nuff said